Writing about my decision to not have a specific non-binary line in the map led me to think about my own gender, and where I see myself on a sliding scale...
I would probably say I identify as trans masculine if I were to be truthful, that male feels very cis and (much like Evan Schwartz) I don't identify with the cis-male experience, I can't, and maybe I don't want to? When I think about it, I have always had a masculine experience and I very much resonate with that. I like painting my nails, and sometimes wearing more feminine looking clothes, jewellery and colours. That I have days where I feel less masculine than others, and days where I feel more masculine. I don't think who I see on that day affects that, that I will just wake up feeling more feminine some days than others... it took a long time for me to be comfortable with my femininity - like I had to become comfortable in my masculinity first, and how I 'passed' and was perceived by others - because I don't like female or gender-neutral pronouns (for myself), I want people to label me as he/him and not take a neutral stance because they're inflicting their perceptions of a non-binary person onto me, just by how I'm presenting that day.
Just to be clear, this isn't me criticising non-binary people in anyway at all, and I will use gender neutral pronouns if unsure and I haven't had the chance to query that with the person. What I'm talking about is being given gender neutral pronouns when I've explicitly said my pronouns are he/him/his, just because I'm wearing a purple cloud jumper and my nails are painted in different shades of pink!
I haven't painted my nails for a while now, I think I stopped at the point of having to wear sports bras for two months prior to surgery and feeling even more uncomfortable in my body and how I presented, so avoided wearing certain colours, didn't paint my nails, and when I think about it I even adapted my behaviour to seem less 'gay' and feminine, and more laddish at work... the joys of society eh?
A year ago my room was painted white, and had that New York decor you see in every mid-20s bloke's room, but last summer I decided f*ck that, this isn't me, and this isn't a guest room, so I want this to feel like ME. I painted the walls palma-violet purple, with the fireplace protruding wall having a 'wiggle wall' as I call it in a light blue - basically think the colours of Sully from Monsters Inc. with shelves of funky ornaments and my nail varnishes organised on the chest-of-drawers below with jewellery trays. My bedding is light and dark blue wiggly stripes on one side, pink and yellow on the other, I have a purple reading chair in the corner, a cloud lamp, and frames in a multitude of colours and designs fill the wall with interesting artwork and collages of photos. The windowsill is crammed full of my animal plant pot collection - not real of course, I can't look after real ones - but fake plants in pots that look like animals, some I've painted myself if they were boring and white, including an Elma the Patchwork Elephant one!
Overall, it feels very gender fluid now that I'm thinking about it. I wouldn't describe it as masculine, but I also wouldn't describe it as feminine... it reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister and her friend several years ago when her friend found out I was transgender. I think they must have been about 7? The child was completely chill about it of course, and my sister was educating her on how there are actually lots of genders like gender fluid - this was the point I was called into the conversation to help explain - and it led to them discussing how a gender fluid person's room might be, that maybe they have a wardrobe for their girl clothes and a wardrobe for their boy clothes? Open, unprejudiced curiosity on the matter. I have one wardrobe, and one set of chest of drawers, and my clothes aren't organised as to how they rate on a scale of masculine to feminine, but by: long-sleeve shirts, short sleeve shirts, undershirts for layering, long-sleeve t-shirts, all my arty themed t-shirts, non-specific graphic t-shirts, band t-shirts, work polos, t-shirts for under them, and in-the-house tops that have holes in. Organised by practicality I'd say? And the same with my draws - pyjamas are just piled as most recent to be put back in draw, socks are separated as to short or long with a wall of slipper socks between, and my beanie collection is organised by colour.
I'll happily look in both the 'mens' and 'womens' section of shops for clothing, but I wouldn't have done that two years ago, this came with becoming more comfortable with femininity. I've just bought myself red and pink striped pyjama trousers with a cropped pink top - admitted the top didn't seem cropped in the picture, and this may have dissuaded me form purchasing, but the top is still quite long anyway - and I've been wearing my old One Direction watch and perfumes lately, but that could just be from a strange sense of mourning... don't ask me how much I've spent on buying old One Direction merchandise I wanted 10 years ago but didn't get... no seriously don't, I can't think about that!!
My wiggle wall has changed from the picture taken here, in that the sloth and frog plants moved to the windowsill, the houses and clock got painted mad, bright colours, and a few more Greek statues got thrown into the mix - but it looks tidy here, unlike now, so this is the picture you're getting.
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